Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
