You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Dicks are not precious.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
