I think im going to throw up on grandma
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
