Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
