walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
