just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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