I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
