I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
