i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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