Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
