ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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