Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
