I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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