I wish my penis had an off switch
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
