I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
