When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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