dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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