Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
