i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
