he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Still dying that you shit outside
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
