Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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