The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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