I will die if light touches me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
