ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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