Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I've blown a few things in my day
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
