We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Houston, we have a blender
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
