did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
