ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
