her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
