i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize