Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
