So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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