I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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