I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
