i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Randomize
