The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
