Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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