i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
