a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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