I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
