Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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