birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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