worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
