i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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