I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
