The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
