god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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