My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
