So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
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i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
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If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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