Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
