it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
