i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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