i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
