Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now