rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I can feel your judgement through the phone