two words...techno handjob
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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