Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
