Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
