did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
