The beer is more important than you right now.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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