I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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